Why Being “Selfish” Can Be Selfless
We're nearing the end of mental health awareness month, and this topic felt particularly relevant. I was in a bit of a funk the past couple of weeks, but I managed to pull myself out of it relatively quickly with a sense of awareness and the tools I have learned over the years. When I say "in a funk" I mean not having the same motivation I normally do, having a shorter fuse than usual, having a harder time accessing joy, avoiding social interaction, and engaging in numbing behaviors.
One of the most important things I want to stress is that it is not selfish to put your mental health ahead of others' needs. It is actually the opposite. When you ensure your own needs are met, you are able to support others in a much healthier way. Additionally, when you're struggling with your mental health, it can create a ripple effect that negatively affects many people around you. My recent funk was a result of the stress and pain I experienced because someone close to me is struggling with mental health and addiction. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, it is really important to learn how to set (and stick to) healthy boundaries. Some resources include: Al-Anon meetings, the books Codependent No More, and talk therapy.
Here are the tools I use when I am feeling in a funk:
Eat an anti-inflammatory diet. For me this means cutting out grains, dairy, and refined sugar. This will help with cravings and reduce inflammation which can contribute to depression. The Whole30 also works really well for some people.
No alcohol. I love drinking a couple of glasses of Dry Farm Wines or Flying Embers Hard Kombucha, but when I am not feeling like myself I cut out alcohol completely. Alcohol is a way to avoid feeling the hard feelings, and you usually wake up feeling worse and more anxious the next day which keeps the cycle going.
Get outside everyday. Nature is wonderfully healing. I am lucky enough to live walking distance to the beach, so I go to the beach and sit in the sand for some grounding. Grounding is the practice of physically connecting with the earth to pick up negative ions which helps discharge our excess energy. If you don't live near the beach, find a local park, set up a blanket and lay down in the grass for the same grounding effect. I recently spent some time upgrading my patio, and I also love going out there in the morning to drink my coffee and read something uplifting. Multiple scientific studies have validated the healing power of nature - it has been proven to reduce blood pressure, lower cortisol, and improve sleep quality.
Move your body everyday. This is big for helping us shake off the negativity and low energy. I walk most days of the week, I jump on my JumpSport trampoline (highly recommend), and I do YouTube workouts (my faves are Pamela Reif, Madfit, Sami Clark and Boho Beautiful). For bonus points, take your workout outdoors.
Engage in positive social interaction. When I'm in a funk I usually want to cancel plans with my friends. There is certainly a time and a place to cancel plans with friends like when you've been burning the candle at both ends and you really need time for yourself. However, for me going to see good friends and having meaningful conversation is one of the quickest ways to lift my mood. When I'm in a funk, I usually have to force myself to turn off Real Housewives and go see friends, but I'm always glad I did.
Consume inspiring media. When I'm feeling down I make a concerted effort to take in more positivity rather than negativity. I read tried and true spiritual books for me - like from Brene Brown, Marianne Williamson, Gabby Bernstein and Pema Chodron. I listen to podcasts that inspire me. I stay away from depressing movies, murder docs, etc.
Pay attention to your thoughts and your actions. When something traumatic or negative happens, it can actually be challenging for me to access my true feelings about it. Typically the first feeling that comes up is anger or frustration. If I don't sit with that feeling and access the deep sadness that's underneath it, I just start to numb out. I often don't even realize that I feel bad until I zoom out and look at my actions. Oh yeah… I've baked 4 pumpkin desserts in 3 days, I've been getting in bed at 6:30pm to watch Netflix for the rest of the night, I'm craving tons of sugar, and I'm obsessively planning future events. Those are all surefire signs that I'm numbing myself to avoid feeling my feelings. In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book, Burnout, they describe feelings as tunnels. Feelings have a beginning, middle and end. To get to the light at the end of the tunnel, you have to go all the way through the feeling. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion. Knowing how to feel your feelings, process and release them is one of the most important life skills there is. Rachel Brathen recently did a podcast on how to process your emotions that I think is really helpful.
Reach out for help. Sometimes I can manage pulling myself out of a negative headspace on my own just fine. When I say on my own, I still always express my feelings and experiences to a trusted confidant like my boyfriend to help me process. However, I am good at knowing when I need more help than that, and I will get it. I have a therapist who I used to see regularly, but now I will just call her for a session if I feel that I could use some professional support. Psychology Today is a great resource for finding a new therapist if you don’t have one.
Journal. This one is huge for me. I'm always resistant to picking up my journal, but it's one of the most cathartic activities for me. You don't have to create any rules around what you're going to write, just put your pen to paper and make yourself write for at least 10 minutes. If you want a little more structure, try PEW 12. I write about the situation that is bothering me, why it hurts me, how I'm feeling, what I learned and anything else that I want to get out of me and onto paper. Don't edit yourself - just do a brain dump and trust me you will feel so much lighter when you're done.
Create a zen space for yourself. For me, it is much easier to feel at peace when the bed is made, the dishes are done, the clothes are put away etc. I consider a clean home an important part of my self care. Figure out what environment makes you feel most at peace and create that for yourself. Get some new candles, buy yourself some flowers, light sage… whatever floats your boat.
Spend time alone and in silence. If I'm feeling in a funk that I'm having a hard time getting out of, I set aside a weekend to be alone with no plans. It is hard to process our feelings when we don't have time to ourselves. Social interaction is important - I just think it should be in smaller doses when you're having a hard time, so you don't use it as another way to avoid feeling your feelings. I personally avoid technology as much as possible during my alone time as I find it to be really draining. Put your phone on airplane mode, pick up a good book, do a guided meditation (Unplug has great virtual classes), cook a nourishing meal for yourself, and make sure you give yourself time to just exist with no plans or expectations.
I hope you find these tools helpful! Let me know what practices you do to lift yourself out of a negative headspace in the comments below :)
